|Football is violence and cold weather and sex and college rye. - Roger Kahn|
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Short Football Jokes
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was nearly over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 9 times."
Football is a game when 22 big, strong men run around a field like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
Our coach was always a step ahead of all the opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system. One was on offense, one was on defense and one went to classes.
He was the world's dumbest center. They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. And on his shoes they put "T G I F" (Toes Go In First.)
At a university known more for its football than for its academics, a professor said, "The most underdeveloped territory in the world can be found under a football helmet."
The coach of a losing team was marching on the field at half time alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, "Hey, I see you coach the band, too."
Football could be more entertaining if we gave the quarterback something else to think about. For example, we could arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.
The work place weekly football pool has finally entered the computer age. The problem is that the computer wins every time!
A college senior took his girlfriend to a football game. As the game started, he said, "Watch the guy wearing number 18. I expect him to be our best man next year."
"Oh, Honey," she said. "That's such a cute way to propose. I accept!"
The football coach was frustrated that the practice jerseys were being taken by the players and not returned. He had an idea about how to stop the theft. With the next order of jerseys, he had this printed on them: "Property of …" It didn't work. They still disappeared. Then, in a stroke of genius, he solved the problem. The next set of jerseys arrived saying, "Girls Field Hockey."
Two old football players were lamenting about how they were nearing the end of their lives. "It sure has been a great run for both of us as we reach the end of the fourth quarter," said one.
"Speak for yourself," said the other, "I'm planning on overtime."
While walking into a restaurant, my wife and I met a friend coming out with Joe Montana. Being gentlemanly, he introduced himself to my wife who knows nothing about football.
Joe Montana: "Hi, I'm Joe Montana."
My Wife: "Hi, I'm Betsy from Vermont ."
Our daughter was trying to decide whether or not to go to the last game of their high school's 0-8 losing season.
Father: "I know it'll be cold, but why don't you go just to show your support?"
Daughter: "But I could support them better by playing."
While watching Notre Dame play the local team, my son happened by and
asked, "Dad, which team do you want to win."
Father: "Both. Being Catholic, I have always had a fondness for Notre Dame, but I sort of want our team to win, too."
Son: "Both teams can't win. So which is it Dad, Church or State?"
By the time Andy arrived at the football game, the first quarter was nearly over. "What took you so long?" his friend asked.
"Well, I couldn't decide whether to go to church or come to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 23 times."
A football coach and his two assistants went on a recruiting trip. On the way their plane crashed in the snowy mountains. Determined to survive, they drained some gasoline out of the tank and started a fire to keep warm. When they got thirsty, they found a curved piece of metal, filled it with snow and melted it. Later when they got hungry, they ripped strips from the leather seats, dipped them in motor oil and fried them like bacon.
The vacationers in the nearby Hilton Hotel all thought it was the most amazing thing they'd ever seen.
A young football player was desperate to talk to his coach. He called him at home and his wife answered. "I'm afraid he's not here. But if you give me your number, I'll ask him to call you."
The young man replied, "26."
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. After watching for a while she says, "This is a dumb game. The ref put the coin back in his pocket after he tossed it at the beginning of the game. Why do they keep trying to get it back?"
"What do you mean?" asked the guy.
"Well, they keep yelling, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I mean, it's only 25 cents."
A story is told about an MIT student who spent his summer walking all over the Harvard football field wearing a black and white striped shirt, blowing a whistle and throwing sunflower seeds on the field.
When it came time for the first Harvard home game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle. The game had to be delayed half an hour until the birds got off the field.
The guy wrote his thesis on the experience and graduated.
A college alumnus, angry about the poor performance of the football team, asked the coach, "How many males attend this school?"
"About 14,000," answered the coach.
"Then would it be too much to ask that just a few of them run in front of the ball carrier?"
Some women are actually more avid football fans than men. I friend of mine just gave birth to her first born. I asked her when the baby arrived. She said, "Right in the middle of the play-off game."
At the beginning of the season, all college football coaches hope for a good year. However, this year a certain, unnamed school's coach stomach sunk when he began his remarks to the team. "This is football," he said.
"Hold on," three of the guys said while feverishly taking notes. "Not so fast."
A Bengal is a tiger. A Jet is a fast plane. A Raider is tough and a Cowboy is from Texas . Seahawks live by the ocean and Vikings live in the North.
But what is a Brown?
Scientists have figured out how to mix the DNA of a police officer with the DNA of a football player. They made a Seattle Seahawk that could arrest himself.
The Chicago Bears are trying to make a trade for Michael Irvin so they can replace the Refrigerator with the Coke Machine.
After spending all day in front of the TV watching football, Nick fell asleep and spent the night on the sofa. His wife woke him in the morning. "Get up, dear. It's 20 to 7."
Nick awoke with a start! "Who's winning?"
A football coach was asked the secret to evaluating his new recruits. "It's easy," he said. "I take them out into the woods and make them run around. Those that run around the trees, I make running backs. Those that run right into the trees, I make linemen."
The football coach was screaming at the referee from outside the designated coaching area so the ref slapped him with a 5 yard penalty.
"You idiot!" screamed the coach, "that's a 15 yard penalty."
"I know," said the ref, "but the way you coach, it'll only be 5."
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