|When I played pro football, I never set out to hurt anyone deliberately - unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something - Dick Butkus|
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Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get bored before they met God in the morning.
After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked, "By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?"
"159", said Slim.
"Great!", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around."
"What an exciting opportunity!", said Slim.
Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was done he said, "Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were alive?"
"141", said Billy-Bob.
"Good," said Einstein. "If you'd like, we can discuss a little mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights."
"Nothing I'd like better!" was Billy-Bob's reply.
After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked, "What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?"
"89" said Bubba.
Punching him on the arm, Einstein said, "Hey, Bubba - How 'bout that football team of yours."
The huge college football rivalry in Texas is the annual big game between the Texas Longhorns and the Texas A&M Aggies. In times past, the Longhorns would win this game every year. The Aggie coaches called a meeting after a particularly bad thrashing one year to figure out why they couldn't beat the Longhorns. They decided to go straight to the source and send one of their assistant coaches, Bubba, to Austin to find the answer.
Bubba decided to go straight to the top, walked right onto the Longhorn practice field, went directly to the Longhorn head coach and asked, "Why do y'all beat the Aggies every year?"
The Texas coach replied, "Well, it's 'cause Aggies are stupid. Let me demonstrate..." He led Bubba to the brick building at the end of the field, held his hand up against the wall, and said, "Hit my hand."
Bubba couldn't pass up this chance to do harm to the leader of the Longhorns, so he cocked his fist way back and threw his hardest punch.
At the last moment, Darrell moved his hand out of the way and Bubba went back to College Station with a broken hand.
The next day, the Aggie head coach, eager to know the answer, asked Bubba what he had found out.
Bubba explained, "Well, we are losing every year because Aggies are stupid. Let me demonstrate..."
He looked around the field, but couldn't see a brick wall, so he held his hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand."
This guy enters a bar carrying a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jet's jersey and helmet and holding Jet's pom poms.
The bartender says, "Hey, no pets allowed. You have to leave."
The guy says, "Oh, please. I'm desperate. My TV is broken. We're both big football fans. This is the only place I can watch the game."
"Well, OK," says the bartender, "but you better make sure the dog behaves because if there's any trouble, I'll throw you out!"
"Don’t worry, he won't be any trouble."
The game starts with the Jets receiving the kickoff. They plow down the field to the 30 yard line and kick a field goal. The dog jumps up and walks up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
"Wow! That's amazing," says the bartender. "What does he do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," the guy replies, "I've only had him for four years."
This humongus freshman arrived at college and decided to try out for the football team.
The coach asked him, "Can you tackle?"
The freshman said, "Watch this," and he proceeded to tackle a telephone pole, shattering it to bits.
"I'm impressed," said the coach. "Can you run?"
"Sure," said the freshman. He was off like a shot and ran a 100 yard dash in just over 9 seconds.
"Wow," said the coach. "Can you pass a football?"
The freshman thought about it and said, "Well, if I can swallow it, I'm sure I can pass it."
Socialism: When your team scores, the state takes half your points and redistributes them to the other team.
Communism: When your team scores, the state takes all your points away from you and gives back what the Central Bureau of Points (CBP) decides is appropriate (according to your needs).
Fascism: When your team scores, the state takes away all your points, then sells them back to you.
Nazism: When your team scores, the state takes away all your points and shoots your team.
Bureaucratic: When your team scores, an 80% tax is imposed on your points. 10% are given to the scoring disadvantaged. 10% are given to the other team as an incentive to not score. The remaining 60% are used by the state for administration.
Capitalism: The Super Bowl. Winner takes all!
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